Regular Timeline
Previously on Earth ...
The Big Bang
When the Big Bang occurred, matter, energy, space, and time were all formed, and the universe was infinitely dense and incredibly hot.
[I think it's still pretty hot, but who asks me...]
Birth of the Solar System
Our solar system formed about 4.5 billion years ago from a dense cloud of interstellar gas and dust. The cloud collapsed, possibly due to the shockwave of a nearby exploding star, called a supernova. When this dust cloud collapsed, it formed a solar nebula—a spinning, swirling disk of material.
[aren't we all just dust in the wind?]
Birth of the Earth
When the solar system settled into its current layout, Earth formed when gravity pulled swirling gas and dust in to become the third planet from the Sun
[that may explain all the gas I'm having]
Birth of the Moon
The Moon formed from the ejecta of a collision between the proto-Earth and a Mars-sized planetesimal about 50 million years after the Solar System originated.
[well, I'm sure that made a deep impact on earth]
First life on Earth
Microscopic organisms (microbes) the earliest life forms we know of were microscopic organisms (microbes) that left a type of carbon molecule in rocks that is produced by living things.
[so much for leaving a carbon footprint]
Era of the Dinosaurs 
During the Triassic Period (252-201 million years ago), the dinosaurs appeared, evolved from the reptiles, and (mostly) went extinct at the end of the Cretaceous Period, after living on Earth for about 165 million years.
[well, they had a good run, didn't they]
Evolution of Primates 
Their origins shrouded in mystery, "soon" after the Cretaceous–Paleogene extinction event that eliminated about three-quarters of plant and animal/dinosaur species on Earth, the first true primates appear in Eurasia.
[didn't we all suspect it already?]
Evolution of Homo 
3.9 - 2.9 million years ago
After the split from the line of the chimpanzees the earliest hominin species, "Australopithecus afarensis", emerged in eastern Africa.
2.5 - 2 million years ago
Speciating from Australopithecus afarensis appeared the early Homo who was using sophisticated stone tools, earning him the name "Homo habilis".
1.9 – 0.8 million years ago
Although significantly different of anatomy and physiology of its ancestor, and coexisting with them for half a million years, "Homo erectus" arrived and was the first to develop control of fire and use complex tools. They were also the first to leave Africa, spreading throughout Eurasia, between 1.3 to 1.8 million years ago.
[That's where all the trouble began]
Evolution of Homo heidelbergensis 
Neanderthals and Denisovans emerge from the northern Homo heidelbergensis lineage around 500-450
[That's where all the trouble began]
Evolution of Homo Sapiens 
Sapients emerge from the southern lineage around 350-300 ka
[That's where all the trouble began]
...
...
...
... to be continued!
Parallel Realities:
Alternate Timelines:
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